The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
