He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
