Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
