I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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