The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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