i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
