he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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