Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
My dick has a subreddit
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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