We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Randomize
