Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
