At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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