Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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