my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
