so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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