i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Randomize
