i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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