So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
