My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
