my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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