Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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