so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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