I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
