And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You were trust falling into bushes
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize