I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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