And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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