You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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