the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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