I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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