Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize