and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
She's the barista slut.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
