Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
