Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
we should paint friendship bongs
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
