haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
not ubering you a puppy
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
