imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
