He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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