whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
