At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
