i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
