Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
