I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize