I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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