did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize