You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Randomize
