My sheets look like a crime scene.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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