Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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