But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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