Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
