A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
