nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
