...so i touched it.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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