6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
