i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
