Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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