he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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