I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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