They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
