I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize