Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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