I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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