the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
