my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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