I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
