Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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