im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
