Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I am puke
I've blown a few things in my day
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
